Dating Red Flags

Feature Article from Conscious Dating Singles News
November 2006

DATING RED FLAGS
by RCI Coaches
(The opinions of other authors in this article are not necessarily the opinions of
Jess Kennedy Williams)

Red Flag #1: I Don’t Want to get Married (again)

Some single people say they don’t want to get married. I believe they have not met the right person yet. If you’re dating someone who says he or she doesn’t want to get married, listen closely. They might be telling you that you’re not the one for them. Don’t ignore it, or think you can change them.

If you’re in love with someone who doesn’t want to be married, you could be wasting your time and causing yourself unnecessary heartache. If you’re happy just dating this person, then by all means, stay where you are. If you want more out of the relationship than he or she is able to give, it’s time to consider moving on. This way you’ll be available when you meet the right person who can’t live without you.

Jess Kennedy Williams
www.HeartbreakFreeDating.com

Red Flag #2: Inappropriate Touching

Touching is a way of getting closer and more intimate with another person, and it will come as dating progresses. However, if you’re on a date with someone who touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell him or her immediately. When it comes to your personal space, people need to be invited in. If they’re not invited, they need to leave. It's that simple. Someone who would touch you in such a manner, after you have asked them not to, should not be trusted. They are showing a lack of respect for you and are displaying behaviors that you should avoid. If they respect you and don’t touch you inappropriately again, he or she might have misread your signals, and perhaps, he or she deserves another chance. In any case, proceed with caution.

Jess Kennedy Williams
www.HeartbreakFreeDating.com

Red Flag #3: Inappropriate Conversation

I like to call this red flag "just add water intimacy." We live in a culture that has little tolerance for delayed gratification, and unfortunately, it’s no different in the dating community. It’s easy for singles to get into the "urge to merge" mode and speak before they think.

Launching into conversations that include intimate details with previous lovers, financial and emotional challenges, and a laundry list of what one is looking for in a relationship seldom sets the tone for getting to know the other person. One may think this behavior promotes intimacy, but instead it’s more like pseudo-intimacy, where you actually believe you know the person after an hour of conversation.

How would you initiate a conversation with a new friend? Take the time to get to know someone just as you would with anyone with whom you would like to develop a friendship. Ask about their interests, their work, and their life experiences. Be curious about their goals and dreams. After all, aren’t romantic relationships really the ultimate friendship?

Lois Barth, Coach
www.1Dreamatatime.com

Red Flag #4: Words and Behavior Aren’t Aligned

There are two ways to consider this red flag. First, humans are inconsistent and incongruent people. We say we want to lose weight and then we eat like crazy. In certain situations, some disconnect between words and actions is to be expected. At the same time, one of the ways we learn to trust someone is by looking at someone’s track record – that this person does what he or she says they are going to do, and with very few exceptions.

The important things to notice are their patterns over time. Does this person say one thing and do another? Does he or she make promises and then break them? Does this individual always place the blame for not coming through on someone or something else?

All of these things can be warning signs of a problem. Here’s the bottom line: If you have to choose between believing the words and believing the behavior, go with the behavior every time.

Jeff Herring, MS, LMFT
www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com www.ConsciousDatingAtlanta.com
jeff@jeffherring.com

Red Flag #5: Jealous of Your Family and Friends

Jealousy is a major red flag. Your family and friends are a large part of who you are; they bring richness, variety, and support to you. I can’t see any way to win if your partner wants you to cut them out of your life. It’s true that your partner must come first, but a relationship that has no room for others—or only room for your partner’s others—leaves you isolated and vulnerable.

I once had a friend whose new husband insisted that she limit her contact with her parents. Ultimately, she was driven to sneaking around and calling them from work. Not only did this place a huge burden on her, but it also established a lack of honesty between the two of them—definitely not an ideal foundation for a lasting relationship.

A relationship that is not, at its heart, based on total honesty, openness, and support cannot survive. Even more so, it’s typical behavior for an abuser to isolate his or her spouse from their support system. If you see this red flag in your partner, run like crazy!

Sandra Rohr. MA | Your Personal Love Coach
www.yourpersonallovecoach.com
SDRohr@aol.com

Red Flag #6: Addictions

Your partner might be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex—or anything else. If your partner is addicted, he or she cares more about the addiction than about you. Living with an addicted partner is like living in a threesome: you, your partner, and the addiction, which, itself, takes on a life of its own.

In this threesome, you can never win. The addiction is always more seductive and more powerful than you or your partner. You’ll only have the leftovers. It is damaging and painful for you to come in as a distant third.

You deserve a partner who is whole, healthy, and able to give whole-heartedly to you and your relationship. Before committing to a partner, be sure that he or she is more in love with you than with something else.

Sandra Rohr. MA | Your Personal Love Coach
www.yourpersonallovecoach.com
SDRohr@aol.com

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Bonus Article:
Dating Red Flags- So What?

by Tara Kachaturoff

We might not agree on a specific definition for a dating red flag; but we can agree, in general, they’re not a good thing.

Dating red flags are behaviors you observe or experience in someone you're currently dating, which may cause you mental emotional or physical harm.

They’re not conducive to creating a long-term, happy, and sustainable relationship. These behaviors are often ignored by men and women who are eager to engage in a relationship, even when they may bring harm to themselves, and possibly, to others. The “others” include their family of origin, relatives, their own children, friends, and even coworkers.

For some reason some singles never seem to see them. While the red flags are big, impressive, oppressive, and waving in all their glory, they're still ignored. If you’re fortunate to have concerned and conscious family members and friends, maybe they’ll point out what they see. Maybe you’ll listen to them and take appropriate action. If this isn’t the case, learn as much about them through reading books, articles, and even consulting with a relationship coach or counselor. Talk to you’re your friends and family; actively seek out their advice.

Singles need to know about dating red flags for many reasons. In most cases, singles have summarily ignored them and the results haven’t been pleasant. Once you’ve started to make emotional ties to someone, it’s easier to ignore his or her inappropriate behavior. While red flags certainly aren’t the cause or blame for every disappointment, when they’re ignored, they tend to create very difficult circumstances. It’s so much easier to see the early signs and move on before becoming too involved.

Red flag behaviors are a poor foundation for a happy relationship. Life is filled with challenges. It can be hard enough to manage daily life when you're on your own, but add another person to the mix and you better have a solid foundation in place. Trying to build an enjoyable, meaningful and sustainable relationship with someone who demonstrates poor behavior is like trying to build a home, on stilts, in quicksand. Impossible!

Red flags can be dangerous. By definition, red flags can be damaging or even dangerous to your mental, emotional, or physical well-being. You are precious. Your life is precious. You deserve better. You do not need to accept or tolerate red flag behavior in your life.

Red flags can prove harmful to your family and friends. Your actions impact others. It's no different with red flag behaviors. Inappropriate or dangerous behavior can potentially spill over and affect your family, children, and friends with unintended consequences. It's important that you understand that everything you do impacts others in some way.

Red flags waste your time – your life time. You’re given two things in life -- time and choice. What you do with these two critical resources is up to you. Spending time in situations that aren’t enjoyable is a waste of your life's most precious assets.

Typically, red flags don't get better and they won’t go away, even if ignored. Where there’s one, there are typically others. Red flags don’t miraculously cure themselves or go away even if you do recognize them and try to discuss them with the offending partner. In fact, in some cases they can become worse because now the behavior has an acknowledging audience! That upon which you focus your attention, grows stronger. Don’t waste your time trying to fix someone. Steer clear. It’s not your job, it won’t work, and I can assure you he or she won’t want it. Lasting change comes from the inside, and not necessarily through any outside intervention.

Red flags poison your view of life and people; they can make it impossible to enjoy anything. The longer you’re around the poor behavior, the more likely you'll tolerate it, accept it, and in some cases, adopt it! What would have been shocking and unbelievable in the beginning of a relationship might end up being “in the daily course of life” a year later if you haven’t wised up and moved on by then.

An awareness of red flags empowers you. Learning about red flags and the strategies to avoid them will not only give you the knowledge to identify them, but also the power to do something about them -- namely to move on to find a happier, healthier relationship. Knowledge is power. It will help you to make better decisions for your life and for your life happiness.

You may have ignored red flags in the past. Maybe you didn’t have the courage to deal with them head on. You can change. Once you know more about some of the signs, you can identify them more quickly and move on to a better situation. Remember, your time is valuable; spend it wisely, and with the right people. Life is short. Make every minute count!